OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i barfeds in our rink
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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