I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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