Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
