I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
