You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
