Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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