i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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