I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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