there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
