he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
