i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
