oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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