get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
