Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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