I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
