Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
