My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
