And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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