You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I need mimosas to revive my soul
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
