She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
