she was so not down for the gang bang
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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