Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
