i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
