Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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