You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
