Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
