Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
