i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
