Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
