M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
