I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
