Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
