Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
