I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
