if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Found your dick twin last night
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
