I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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