I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
