Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
