I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
