I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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