You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
