We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
