I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
