OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
