So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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