oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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