there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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