Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
