Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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