i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
